Christmas Dilemmas

I want to share with you what I had to learn the hard way about Christmas with children who have ASCs.

Christmas is a time where you have to tread a fine line between other people’s sensibilities and the child’s need for predictability. What used to happen during the festive period was that there would be a whole host of issues surrounding Christmas, usually because of this balancing act.

When at home you wouldn’t have to do things that upset your child, however, Christmas brings a whole host of social expectations which can lead to anxiety.

Events

This is a time of year when families get together, old friends meet up and parties are visited. This can be extremely distressing to children as often they will have a set schedule they conform to and any changes to this can be met with anxiety and stress.

Preparation is key, manage your own expectations of what they can be expected to do. For example, if you want them to cope with a large social gathering, don’t add uncomfortable clothes, strange food and loud noise into the mix. Allow them to wear things they find comfortable, bring some food they are used to or will be happy to eat; some ear defenders may prove useful. Always make sure there is a quiet space they can escape to if required, we elaborate further on waiting in our blog here: https://www.autismconsulting.co.uk/post/waiting

These social events often involve meeting up with relatives who may wish to express their affection through hugs and kisses which, to those with ASC’s, can be extremely distressing. Ensure you talk to your relatives about the level of contact your child can tolerate. I found teaching children to “high five” or shake hands can be a good compromise for family events.

Clothing

This time of year can bring out many sensory problems that are not observed during the warmer parts of the year. When children are stressed, they tend to hang on to what they know e.g., clothing, which can become an issue; for example, if they’re used to wearing things such as shorts/t-shirts, making them go outside in more than that can be difficult to explain and get them to do.

Wearing jackets and extra layers in the winter can cause a whole host of issues, not only due to lack of explanation but due to claustrophobic type reactions to clothing or a simple misunderstanding of the need to keep warm. Sometimes I have found that children with ASC’s can have sensory reactions to the cold or even the material of jackets, observe the child’s reaction and acknowledge that they may have different sensory experiences than we do.

Preparation can be important, as summer ends and it starts getting colder, we have to elaborate to those with ASCs as to why we need to wear coats/warmer clothing, with emphasis on points such as: due to the winter our bodies get cold and you need to wear a coat, gloves and hat to keep warm. On the rare occasion if kids don’t understand what the cold is, you can allow them outside without jackets/warm clothing and let them get cold (obviously not for too long or unobserved) then they may find an understanding of what the cold is and why it’s imperative to wear warmer clothing.

For some children, Social Stories are a useful way to prepare for winter, for more information please see Carol Gray’s website here: Home - Carol Gray - Social Stories (carolgraysocialstories.com)

Presents

Don’t surprise them. Or if you do surprise them, it must be with what they want/what you know they want.

One year I was asked to get an extremely specific present, a highland cow, this was before Amazon made everything easy, so you wouldn’t be surprised how difficult it was to find such a toy.

In a pet shop, of all places, we found a soft cow toy which looked close enough to a highland cow to me but when it was opened the present was flung across the room and it was expressed that “it’s not a highland cow, it’s a dairy cow” and “why has it got a label on it that says it’s a pet toy, Santa knows I’m a human”. It’s safe to say the cow was never seen again.

Other interesting behaviour I observed around Christmas time was some children with ASC’s would ask for 1 specific thing then not open anything else. At Christmas there would be piles of presents around the tree from relatives but I would always make sure the 1 thing that the child wanted was there to be opened first as I found in past years that should that item not be the first present, they would become distressed while opening other things as the anticipation was too much by that point. The only problem with this that I found was that once it was opened, nothing else would be touched. To them, “that was it” the presents were done, they don’t want the rest of them. I used to have to open the other presents and hide them in the pile of toys, allowing them to look at them when ready as often there would be too much to process on Christmas day.

Preparing relatives about possible negative reactions to presents can avoid disappointment around Christmas, although this wasn’t too big of an issue to me, I found that the elderly was always very disappointed when giving gifts as they expected to have the “magic present” for the child that they would absolutely love but once they found it wasn’t opened, or that the child didn’t like it, they would become very upset especially as often those with ASC’s would verbally show their disappointment.

As adults we seem to soothe each other with white lies, for example when we’re given a gift (even if we absolutely hate it) we save their feelings by saying “oh I loved it” whereas those with ASC’s struggle to show a fake interest in something they didn’t want/ask for and often this is met with discontent by the gift giver hence preparation to this potential eventuality is key to avoiding discontent.

Food

At this time of year people often visit family members and friends which involves eating someone else’s Christmas “specialities”. I found that some children will refuse even the tastiest treats because they’re unknown/not a part of their usual diet.

I found a good way to avoid this anxiety can be to bring known treats/meals with you and allow the host to offer them to the child which lets them feel like they’re giving the child something.

Social Interaction

During social events where there are a higher volume of visitors/unusual visitors those with ASCs can begin experiencing social anxiety. Preparation, again, is key – ensuring the child understands whose coming and why alongside giving them a “breakout” space (e.g. to their room or to a quiet space, especially if in someone else’s house) can be essential to managing anxieties. These can be due to the child’s fight or flight response to high intensity stimuli such as music, lights and people. It is essential to allow children to move away from this type of stimuli to avoid sensory overload.

Having structured activities such as games/board games where they know the games can be important to allow social interaction, especially with other children.

Christmas is a busy time of year, preparation and mindfulness are key for ensuring those with ASC’s are able to cope and have an enjoyable time. Don’t worry too much though as when they grow older, they tend to see Christmas as a ritual and begin to anticipate the irregularities to their daily routine.